A Lonely Life

...a diminishing circle of friends is the first terrible diagnostic of a life in deep trouble: of overwork, of too much emphasis on a professional identity, of forgetting who will be there when our armored personalities run into the inevitable natural disasters and vulnerabilities found in even the most average existence. (David Whyte)

I have not had a close, true friend for a long time. The words by David Whyte make me sad and mad at the same time. None of his reasons apply to me but nonetheless, my life feels deeply troubled. I wonder if you can die just from loneliness. If your heart that has been hurt time and time again finally gives out. Writing this, of course I blame myself for committing the pathetic crime of self-pity. 

Yet again I have been left high and dry by someone who I thought of as a friend, without any explanation or warning. It happens every time I let myself hope for a new bond. 

I am sitting here on yet another lonely Sunday crying and thinking the same old useless thoughts that have been tormenting me ever since I was a little girl.

There must be something basically wrong with me. I am not lovable and whatever I do to make myself so has no effect on the eternal lonesome wasteland that my life has become. 

Then again, sometimes the sadness turns into anger: what is so different about me that I don't deserve any human company? Or even kindness. I seem to emit some secret signal telling people that I deserve cruelty and hate. 

Yesterday I made myself go for a walk into town. I needed exercise and fresh air and was in a reasonably good mood. Until some young woman who was with her friends and didn't watch her step bumped into me. Immediately she was yelling: What the fuck, you fat cow!!!! I continued with tears streaming down my face. Gone was my anger and helplessness took over. 

I blame only myself. I deserve this. What did I think walking on my own on a weekend? This is not permitted. You make yourself visible for all the world to see that you have nobody wanting to walk with you. Nobody to spend time with. Nobody to protect you. Nobody to comfort you. So you deserve to be punished by all the normal people. You must not ever insult the normal people with your presence! 

Thou shalt remain invisible.